There is something very not right about (a) Christmas decorations going up on the 1st of November, and (b) Christmas decorations going up while there is no change whatsoever to the weather (other than the falling of extraordinary amounts of water from the skies every afternoon). This winter (“winter”) sees me with no woolly jumpers or last-year’s ankle boots or traipsing up and down Oxford Street looking for a new “boot” or “jean” or anything else which should be a plural. Instead it feels – and looks - like August. And even tho the C-day is creeping closer and closer, and I have bought cards (back in September, in fact) and tacky decorations and even some presents – still I cannot get my head around the fact that it’s almost DECEMBER.
December!! The best thing about December, as every parent knows, isn’t the carols or the presents or being able to look your child in the eye and tell him that no one in Asia eats turkey, and thus nor shall he; it’s the fact that for 25 days you have at your disposal the best tool of all time for encouraging (ahem) good behaviour. Yes, boys and girls, SANTA IS LISTENING! And this year I’ve taken it a step further and ordered an Elf on the Shelf, so with any luck I won’t even have to use my voice – a simple nod in the direction of Mr Elf should suffice (assuming, of course, he arrives on time; delivery companies seem to have something of a mental block about Singapore).
Because frankly, I need all the
threats help I can get. No matter how many sibling books I read, the
Boy and the Girl are entirely devoted to irritating each other. There is nothing
they won’t argue about. Here is a random list of things they squabbled
- Who has bigger eggs.
- Who has bigger sperm [I swear].
- Who has actually got eggs [one of them] or sperm [neither of them].
- HE’S WEARING MY KNICKERS ON HIS HEAD
- SHE’S PUTTING HER BIG STINKY BUM ON MY FACE
- She said my dinner looks like snot
- He said Cinderella was an eejit
- She IS an eejit
- Look! She’s thinking about stealing my hamster!
- He’s taken Lylee [stuffed lion] and is hanging him from his bedpost!
- [Slightly more hysterical] HE’S THROWING BOOKS AT LYLEE!
- SHE’S PUTTING EDDIE [stuffed elephant] IN THE TOILET!
- Her toes make me feel sick
- His face makes me feel sick. It looks like a bowl of sick.
- JESUS WAS NOT A MAN JESUS WAS A BABY
- And of course, the ubiquitous “She / He is LOOKING AT ME” (followed up, naturally, with: “She/he is SMILING AT ME”).
It is non stop*. The only thing which calms it down is the threat of a delivery of coal from the Man in Red. And so this is what I look forward to most in December. (That, and a stocking full of mosquito repellent.)
(*Having said all of that, right now they are best friends, and doing “private stuff” in a locked bathroom. I suspect it involves bottoms**. I can hear squeals of laughter and the occasional order to “STAY STILL!”)
(**It did involve bottoms. And, somewhat disturbingly, an AA battery.)