Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Travelling with Children, by Numbers

Kilometres from arse-end of Sweden to Stockholm airport:  255.
Kilometres travelled before car was stopped and first comedy-trying-to-smack-legs-in-the-back-of-the-car took place:  0.01
Kilometres for which smackee glowered at driver in the rear-view mirror: 254.99
Number of times asked if we’re there yet:  510
Number of Good Behaviour Lollies in driver’s bag at start of journey:  8
Number of Good Behaviour Lollies in driver’s bag at end of journey: 8
Distance travelled before baby vomited everywhere:  254.5
Number of towels, wipes, or other vomit-wiping items in the car: 0
Number of driver’s freshly laundered, super-absorbant scarves in the car / around driver’s neck: 1
Number of minutes between finding the airport car park and flight taking off:  40
Number of people in our party who understood the importance of HURRYING UP WE STILL HAVE TO CHECK IN:  1
Number of children it feels like you have when you’re trying to get 3 of them through security and onto a plane: 33
Minutes spent sweating and hyperventilating on the plane before it finally took off:  60
Number of times asked if we’ve taken off yet during that time:  120
Number of iPads brought to entertain children on flight:  1
Number of iPads dropped and smashed by one of said children on flight: 1
Actual duration of flight: 2.5 hours
Emotional duration of flight: 25 hours
Duration of flight for which Boy had his head in a sick bag and wailed about the UNFAIRNESS of travel sickness:  2 hours
Number of times Boy actually got sick on the flight:  0
Duration of flight for which Baby had her head in a sick bag and wailed about the UNFAIRNESS of travel sickness: 0 hours
Number of times Baby actually got sick on the flight: 1
Number of miles left to travel when Baby got sick: 0.01
Number of mother’s knees Baby was sitting on at the time of sickness: 2
Percentage of mother’s body covered in rancid, putrid, high-smelling toddler vomit:  85%
Number of fellow passenger startled by mother roaring “OH GOD” upon impact of vomit: 179
Time spent sitting in a pool of toddler vomit waiting for the fucking plane doors to open: 20 minutes
Time spent waiting for luggage, in vomit-sodden clothes: 25 minutes
Time spent waiting for car hire, in vomit-sodden clothes: 40 minutes
Number of fellow queuers who commented on awful smell:  5
Number of sworn promises made to self NEVER to travel with kids again: 1
Number of days until we have to do it ALL again, in reverse: 27

7 comments:

  1. Oh goodness! Laughed like dead reading you though I'm sure it wasn't much fun through!

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  2. Can I suggest travel-drugs next time you travel? If not for the children, at least for you?

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  3. good grief, truly traumatic. as a parent of two travel sick children I feel your pain, have you tried the wrist bands with acupressure beads in them. I had to sew them onto a long sleeved shirt when they were younger to keep them in place but I think they worked, and at least if they were sick it was on the "travel shirt" and not on their other clothes, but still often on me........

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  4. I'm so sorry! However, your vivid style of re-telling was just...the best! I wish you better luck on the return :-)

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  5. Oh sweetie.. how you torture yourself!

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  6. Apparently if you cover one eye you won't get travel sick. Maybe dress as a family of pirates to blend in? X

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